


And The Wall Comes Tumbling Down

by Pinxku



Series: Spencer Reid Angst And More [3]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: #sorrynotsorrybutstillkindasorrybutnotsorrysorry, 5 Times, 5+1 Things, Aaron Hotchner Is A Dad, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Fanart, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Hurt Spencer Reid, Insecure Spencer Reid, Mental Breakdown, Panic Attacks, Protective Aaron Hotchner, Sad, Sad Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid Feels, Spencer Reid Whump, The team is unintentionally stupid, Whump, spencer reid is not a robot, walls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:13:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25574137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pinxku/pseuds/Pinxku
Summary: Experience had taught Spencer to create a wall to hide his pain. But it's much harder to cover the pain a loved one creates. Leaving a crack on his wall.Or5 times the team tells Spencer to Shut up and he hides his pain and one time the wall breaks
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & Spencer Reid, Spencer Reid & The BAU Team
Series: Spencer Reid Angst And More [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1795330
Comments: 52
Kudos: 619
Collections: Math





	1. Chapter 1

**"Remember your words can plant a garden or burn whole forests down" -Gemma troy**

The thing about being a Genius was that often everyone wants it but the person who actually has it.

Sure you embrace it to some extent. It's nice to know and create and understand and Spencer absolutely loves facts but the thing is that being a genius is a lonely road.

Growing up and advancing faster than your peers and your teachers left you alone with the grown-ups with nobody your age and made you often the center of envy and rage. And if someone happens to be nice it usually wasn't because they liked you.

They liked your brain and where it could bring them. What it could offer to the word.

Genius did not bring friends or love or a normal childhood.

It brought the insults, the fists, and bullying. It brought abandonment and a 10-year-old boy with his quirks growing up too fast with his sick mother.

Freak, robot, nerd, weirdo. These things followed him through his life but Dr. Spencer Reid managed. He buried himself into books and stories. Hiding the insecurity and loneliness with statistics and facts. He builds up walls that hid the hurt and he got himself 3 Ph.D.'s took solace from the loneliness and thought about maybe buying a cat.

And by some miracle or spite whichever came first, he fought himself into the BAU. And he got friends. People who saw him. Who liked to be with him and talk to him. 

Most of the time at least. 

Another thing about being a genius was that if you got friends it didn't mean you don't annoy the hell out of them when he rambled his statistics and got over-excited with his explanations. 

The team was a family they teased each other, shared tears, and laughs. They accepted each other's rough edges.

But there were times where even they forgot that Spencer was a person. That he was more than just a walking talking Wikipedia. That it hurt when they make him regret opening his mouth.

The hurt words from a loved one were much harder to hide behind his wall. They hit hard and stung more.

The problem was that if you keep putting someone down one day they re going to stay down.

1\. Morgan 

Morgan was like a big brother. Protective and loyal. He never meant anything mean when he told Spencer to shut up or just wasn't interested in the topic and decided to walk away instead.

Like today.

They already had a tough week with a constant onslaught of cases. The silence in the car was tense so logically Spencer tries to fix it.

"Did you know that-" he starts but doesn't get very far as Morgan groans at him.

"Kid just shut up okay? Just this once. Shut. Up," his tone was not teasing but harsh and annoyed.

Spencer blinks stunned but nods anyway. He was used to it so he closed his mouth and stayed quiet through the rest of the trip.

He carefully tucks the hurt behind his wall as he berates himself for talking. It was clearly not a time for it.

That day the first crack appeared.

2\. Rossi

The second crack came when they were in the bullpen. It was a quiet day so Rossi had come down to see what was up.

They had ended up talking about cars and the next thing led to another and soon Reid was explaining something Rossi didn't understand.

The two of them had formed a bond. Rossi slowly taking the place Gideon used to be in. It had not been easy. Reid's eagerness and Rossi's first impression of him getting in the way but they worked through it.

Still they sometimes still fell back into the old ways.

"So when they attach the-"

"Christ I'm sorry"

Reid stops as he tilts his head in confusion.

"Sorry for what?"

"For asking"

With that, the Italian walked away leaving Reid alone shoving his hurt down.

3\. Prentiss

Sometimes Spencer gets a bit carried away when he explains something. Mostly things others wouldn't normally get. Or care.

When he does so his speech quickens and his hands get more animated.

They were in Baltimore helping to catch a serial killer. He was explaining the way he figured out the reason their unsub took the tongue when suddenly Prentiss poked him.

"Wha- what are you doing?" He stammered as he looked at her confused.

"Looking for an off button"

The others around them chuckled before they continued. None of them noticing how silent their Doctor became.

4.JJ and Garcia

He walked into Garcia's office. Looking for advice. The cracks on his figurative wall were starting to leak. Leaving him tired, anxious, and all-around sad.

The last time his wall broke it wasn't pretty. It was after he was ambushed by the whole school and tied to the goal post. His anxiety had skyrocketed. They had to get meds for it and he had hated it.

Garcia was all bubbles and fun. She would cheer him up. Help him to rebuild.

"Garcia?" He asked as he asks as he pokes his head in.

"Not now my sweetness me and JJ have a girl problem to solve"

"Oh? Okay... Well, do you need any help?" He asks keeping the disappointment to himself and instead concentrates on the possible problem.

Suddenly JJ was standing right in front of him looking mildly annoyed and certainly tired.

"No. Spence- just- just go okay? I can't handle you right now" whit that the door closes to his face leaving him alone once more.

5\. Hotch

The final crack was delivered by Hotch. It was surprising. Hotch was more tolerant of his quirks than the others. Usually stopping him only because he had to and not because he was annoyed.

Well, not today.

Today Hotch was annoyed and Spencer was slowly breaking.

The local LEO's were not cooperative and unhappy about the Fed's interfering with their case.

So when one of them calls Reid a 'Freak' when he was explaining the reason he needed a map a dark cloud was almost visible above Hotch.

Reid shrugged it off used to it. Shoving it behind his failing wall he kept talking when Hotch delivered the final blow.

A hand. A familiar hand. Covered his mouth and with a dark exasperation Hotch ground out.

"Just shut up, Reid"

The pressure in his chest-mounted to painful. It took effort to hide the pain and keep the breathing normal as Hotch took his hand away and turned away.

If his wall were a real one you could see it slowly starting to descent down on him.

He kept quiet for the rest of the day. Afraid if he said one more thing and someone told him to shut up he would breakdown then and there.

+1

The day went in a daze like he just went through the motions. The pressure in his chest hurt and when he finally got home.

The wall tumbled down.

Suddenly it was hard to breathe. His inner demons mocked him how ridiculous it was to break down when you get told to shut up.

How weak and pathetic he was.

_"Shut up."_

_"Sorry I asked"_

_"Looking for an Off button"_

_"I can't handle you right now"_

_"Shut up Reid"_

_Shut up shut up SHUT UP!_

_God, why can't be normal? Stop thinking. You freak._

_Breath_

_Shut up._

_Machine_

_Weirdo_

_This is why people always leave. Because you don't know when to shut up._

His hands shook as he collapsed to the floor. Distantly he felt pain implode in his arm and next his head.

He welcomes the darkness with open arms.


	2. With time a new one will be made

With a groan, the young doctor woke up. His hand hurt and his head pounded making him feel nauseous.

Great just what he needed. The pressure in his chest had not eased and his anxiety raised by the second. Without his wall, his demons had free rain. Wreaking havoc inside his head.

It left his exhausted even without doing anything. His brain, overworked as it assaulted its host.

He knew medication was patiently waiting for him in his medical cabinet. If only he had the energy to move there which he didn't.

_Pathetic_

_Freak_

_You are a weak_

_Just shut up_

He just needed to get up from the couch -' ** _weak_** '- and get his meds ' ** _Pathetic_** '- and- _SHUT UP!_

Wait- a couch?

Weakly Spencer opens his eyes to confirm yes. He was on a couch. But how? He had passed out. He knows this because he remembers it. And he remembers everything. Not like he could forget.

Amazing "Gift" his brain was.

_'Annoying ungrateful brat people would die to be like you and here you are pathetically complaining'_

"Shut up" he pleads, curling up. He wants his brain to stop. The wall is broken all around him. No way patching it up. Not in the state he was in any way.

The sweet call of Dilaudid tried to sneak in. It would make his brain stop. Leave him floating in a sweet haze- no. He squashed that thought immediately using his last strengths.

_Pathetic_

"Spencer?" A sudden voice snaps him back to reality. The reality being there was another person with him.

His eyes look hazily at the unwanted -wanted?- visitor.

Hotch.

_Hand on his mouth "Just shut up Reid_ "

The memory brought another stab in his unprotected defenseless heart.

_Even your boss hates you._

_Shut up_

_Annoying_

"Spencer?" The voice breaks in once again. Concern leaking from it.

Right, Hotch.

"H-Hotch" he mumbles acknowledging his boss finally.

"There you are. I was close to taking you to a hospital if you didn't wake up soon" The older man sounded relieved but there were hidden emotions beneath that.

"What are you doing here?" Spencer asks instead. Too tired to figure the emotions out.

Hotch seemed a little embarrassed and regretful but he hid it well.

"Ah. I wanted to come and apologize for how I acted today. I had no good reason to snap at you like that. You didn't answer the door but your phone rang and I got concerned" he explained looking at Reid in the eye conveying how sorry he was.

Apologize? To him? For snapping at Reid?

That was new and honestly, Spencer didn't know what to do with that.

_How pathetic. You can't even take an apology. He shouldn't even apologize it was your fault anyway._

_Shut up_

_Yes, You should they **all** said so._

Spencer occupied his mind seeing the key in his boss's hand. It was the key he gave him for emergencies.

Slowly he nods.

"I think you have a concussion and a sprained wrist. I found you on the floor. You hit your head pretty hard. I wanted to take you to a hospital but I didn't think you would appreciate it. And then you woke up and khem-" a sad regretful look passed his face before he softened it.

"Spencer I- we- care about you just the way you are. You know that right?"

Spencer stared at him confused when he remembers.

_-Flashback-_

_"Spencer! Wake up"_

_"Wha?" He slurred._

_"Oh thank God what happened?"_

_"Ho' sh?"_

_"Yeah, Buddy it's me. Can you tell me what happened?" The voice asks softly._

_It distantly registered that he was leaning against a firm chest. His head against Hotch's collarbone._

_"It broke, it broke"_

_"What broke kiddo?"_

_"M' wall. Everyone broke it- couldn't keep it together- pathetic- weak"_

_"Your-? -Spencer, you are not pathetic you are ao strong."_

_"Yes, yes I am. Gotta Shh shh. Nobody likes-"_

_"No Spencer, buddy no"_

_"Everyone says so, shh shh, just shut up- so-sorry I asked- off button- Can't handle me- Shut up Reid" it was too much. His sentences broke as he mimicked the words thrown at him. His concussed and confused brain in overdrive._

_The hands around him tightened. Hotch felt a stab of pain inside as the younger man -boy- who he has seen as a son broke down in his lap._

_It went on like that for the next 10 minutes until Spencer spent himself completely and he fell asleep._

_-Flashback end-_

Oh god. He has been a pathetic mess in front of his boss. The man he respected greatly.

"Oh god, Hotch I-"

Hotch suddenly moved right next to him. Hesitantly moving his hands around him giving him an out.

Spencer was too exhausted to fight it and he just sunk into the embrace.

"No- you have nothing to apologize for. It's us. The team who should"

Spencer shook his head. No, he had everything to apologize for- he-

"No Spencer. We didn't notice the signs of you breaking down. We hurt you by kicking you down, you didn't deserve that"

"You were just mad or joking. I shouldn't break down over that, and I should have said something if I didn't like it".

Hotch moved so he was looking him into the eyes.

"Maybe you should have, yes but that doesn't excuse everything. It's not okay to take your anger out on someone or joke on someone's expense so much they hurt" 

"Still, I am annoying. I speak too much and miss when Is should shut up. I really should just shut up" Reid mumbles.

_Yes you should_

"Spencer it's who you are and we love you for it. Sure sometimes you need to be guided back to topic but it doesn't mean you need to stop. You are wonderful just the way you are"

The way he says it with such genuine conviction brings tears into Spencer's eyes making him look away but Hotch won't have it.

"No Spencer Look at me. You are a wonderful, strong, and amazing young man just the way you are. We all love you and owe you an apology. You hear me?"

Spencer stares at him slowly nodding. The kind words muting the mean poisonous ones. Not completely, but giving him strength. Sheltering him.

"It's going to be okay Spencer"

_Liar_

"It's going to be okay Spencer"

Tears well up and slide down his face.

"It's okay"

_No, it's not_

"It's okay"

_Shut up_

_Annoying_

_Freak_

_Pathetic_

_SHUT UP REID._

"It's okay. Let me hear you Spencer"

_Shut up_

_Shut up_

_Shut up_

_Let me hear you Spencer_

And he does. He cries and lets the pain out. And Hotch lets him. 

Because here there was no Hotch and Reid. Just Aaron and Spencer.

Tomorrow a new wall could start being build. A stronger one. Apologies could be made and hurt healed. Scars would remain but that 's okay. That's tomorrow.

Right now it's just Aaron, Spencer, and the broken wall.

_"Human voice is the organ of the soul"_

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not overly happy with this one. I had so many ideas and they kept escaping or contradicting and groveling isn't my thing so yeah. Hope it was good though.
> 
> I was absolutely blown by the feedback. The demand for more and the love was amazing thank you so much! ❤❤
> 
> Thank you, everyone, for reading and leaving a comment and do tell me on this chapter too what you though!
> 
> My Tumblr: @Pinxku22 come to say hi and Stay safe!

**Author's Note:**

> Boom. I always wanted to do a fic like this one. I actually planned for a nicer ending. Might do that If you guys would like it?
> 
> Poor Spence. It always annoyed me when they stop him from talking.
> 
> Thank you for reading! Leave a comment and kudos those make me happy and come say hi on Tumblr@Pinxku22!
> 
> Stay safe!


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